In honor of my boy Simon’s pending nuptials to one of my best friends (Lyn), Ivan and myself decided to take him for his first adult Vegas trip.To celebrate this momentous occasion I have decided to tell the story of the last time Ivan and I were in Vegas together. It’s only an excerpt of an overall amazing trip but it serves a few purposes. One, it lets Simon know that he is in for one hell of an adventure, and two; That I will use any excuse to defend my friends and fuck with people at the same time.
This is the infamous Tao Beach story. Edited for accuracy by Ivan.
One of my best friends, Choi, is not an competent swimmer and wasn’t exactly keen on the idea of going to a pool party. She was all about the drinking and sunbathing, but to actually have to get into the pool was not on her list of priorities. After lots of convincing and lots more alcohol I was able to assure her that she would be perfectly safe in the water. I used to swim competitively in school so I had no doubt I could keep her and I afloat for an indefinite amount of time. Also, her boyfriend David was there and he wouldn’t have let anything happen to her. It was the middle of August, it was hotter than hell and the pool was packed. The DJ was spinning the best summer beats and the women were in their scantily clad best. Unfortunately that also meant that the guys in the club were at their inebriated worst. My friends and I were able to find a small area of the pool to enjoy to ourselves. Of course being in a group of mostly beautiful girls we were bound to have to deal with some doucebags. While I was cradling Choi in the water (Akin to what John the Baptist did with Jesus), this group of frat dudes came swimming over to hit on my friends. Not a big deal, it happens all the time, but they got too aggressive with their splashing and it freaked Choi out. David and I got her to the edge of the pool to sit and it was there that she started sobbing. One of the guys who splashed her came over, but instead of apologizing he said in a mocking tone, “Is she crying? It’s only water?” Then swam back to his friends. I got super pissed. I immediately wanted to drown those guys. I thought about how to go about it but because their was only four guys in my group to their ten, I knew I had to tread carefully – That and the fact that I’m not a fighter and was more likely going to get drowned for my troubles. That is when a great idea popped into my head. I looked over at my boy Ivan and he knew exactly what I was thinking. As I swam over with a devious smile, I looked back to see Ivan making sure our friends were as far away from me as possible.
I swam over to this group of fairly large individuals. From their tans and large frames I’m guessing they were stupid as fuck ASU Sun Devils. They were in a tight circle and I literally had to swim underneath them to get in the middle. I made a couple jokes about the female talent level in Vegas and pretended to be their chum, all the while distracting them while I dropped trou and pissed what was the accumulation of non-stop drinking from 8am to 3pm. When I was fully relieved (not even kidding I was going for at least a minute) I closed my eyes, closed my mouth and proceeded to splash up in the faces, Vegas pool party style! They absolutely loved it! They join in, thrash about, dunking each other head first into my personal toilet, mouth opens, tasting the combination of dirty water and sterile urine. I start to calmly swim away, take a look over at my friends and see their proud yet disgusted faces.
A solid win for AOK but it didn’t end there.
After getting everyone up and into another pool we all separate to get drinks, find shade, or hit up the bathroom. Because I had already evacuated myself, I decided to go get a drink at the bar. I take a stroll past the bathrooms and notice Choi just sitting on one of those foldable pool loungers. She was probably one drink away from being black out drunk and was completely out of it. David was nowhere in sight (I found out later he was in the bathroom not ten feet away) and sitting next to Choi was another frat dude looking to score his first asian. I walk up to her and ask where David is and if she’s okay. She mumbles something incoherently and tries to stand but basically falls through the chair. Dude looks up at me and says something like, “Wanna get the fuck outta here I’m trying to get in that.” I size him up and confidently say, “How about YOU get the fuck outta here!” He does not like this. I pump my chest. I am not afraid. He stands up, He is 6’5″ 240 lbs. I am now afraid. I take a look and no one is around us – It went from a packed Vegas pool party to a ghost town. I think of running because this guy will literally beat me to a pulp, but then I look at Choi and know I can’t leave her side. So I do the only thing I can think of. I shoulder spear this guy and throw him into the pool behind him. This all happens in a flash and I’m hoping that he can’t swim and he drowns. Of course we’re in the shallow end, and he is still taller than me in knee high water. He starts to climb out of the pool. The rage in his eyes tells me I have approximately eight seconds to live. I curse my friendship with Choi and put up my fists in a futile attempt to save my own life. At around the five second mark, two huge black bouncers grab this guy and proceed to throw him out of the club. Dude is screaming that I started it. In the distance I can see him getting tossed on his ass. Thinking back, I don’t know why I was spared from an embarrassing beat down. My guess is the bouncers saw that I was about to get pummeled and thought it would be easier to just throw his ass out then to fill out a police report for second degree murder. Either way I was alive and a hero. AOK for the win.